Coping With Breastfeeding Grief

Author of Healing Breast Feeding Greif, Hilary Jacobson, writes about how to heal disappointed expectations when breastfeeding doesn't work out for some women.  As a holistic lactation consultant, she works with many women who have trouble breastfeeding and experienced the same grief after her first child.

Breastfeeding Grief: Emotional Healing When Breastfeeding Does Not Work
By Hilary Jacobson

Recently, I read in a book about natural childbirth that mothers should prepare mentally ahead of time just in case a Cesarean birth is needed. The authors point out that when we accept that life is not predictable and are mentally prepared for any eventuality, a mother can maintain a positive sense of connection to her baby even without her ideal birth.

When it comes to breastfeeding, we do not advise mothers about what to do in case breastfeeding does not work out. We know that with correct information, guidance, and support, mothers usually succeed and we do not want to discourage mothers by suggesting difficulties that will most likely never arise.

Yet, where does this leave those mothers who, for whatever reason, are not able to have their hoped-for relationship?

A 2014 study from Cambridge, looking at 14,000 mothers, revealed that mothers who do not reach their breastfeeding goals are at twice the risk of postpartum depression. The head author of that study, Marie Iacovou, says, “There is currently hardly any skilled specialist help for these mothers, and this is something … that health providers should be thinking about.”

Helping mothers truly heal their emotional wounds is something I have been thinking about for a long time. As the moderator of an online group for mothers with chronic low milk supply, I have heard hundreds if not thousands of heartbreaking stories. More personally, I went through breastfeeding grief after the birth of my first child, and it was the healing of that wound that motivated my research and outreach in subsequent decades.

What I learned is that mothers need what I call a “pivotal moment” in which they feel supported with compassion and understanding, and can be directed to focus on their capacity to love their baby, regardless how they feed. If mothers do not receive a pivotal moment of compassion, but instead sense that their feelings or problems are judged, or trivialized, their grief can deepen and become entrenched.

The good news is that even if the grief/trauma has become entrenched, it can still resolve and mothers can heal. Today, scientists are discovering the remarkable benefits of mindfulness meditation for posttraumatic stress, and also the benefits of stress relief through relaxation and visualization. Scientists are recognizing, too, that the brain and the emotions are much more malleable than previously suspected. Our thoughts and feelings can be permanently redirected in positive ways, and relatively quickly, too. All of this explains why techniques used in hypnotherapy, somatic therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and coaching are frequently so effective—and they are effective for mothers, too.

To read the full article, including excerpts from her book, click here.